Jisca’s Blog

Ever wonder why you end up where you are today? Was it by choice? Was is because you had no other options but the one you have now?(I don’t believe in chances)

Looking back through the year 2008, I would say where I am today and what I’ve become were mostly due to the choices I made. Yet I cannot deny that most of the outcomes of my choices keep me pondering till today. When I decided to take a path, I imagined it would turn out a certain way. But this was not always the case. Indeed, my life has been about making choices. People close to me say I am fortunate to have most of my heart’s desire fulfilled. Honestly, the fulfillment of my dream did not always bring me the happiness I hoped for… so I continued taking other paths in search of true happiness and a fulfilled life.

I did find them when I was neither looking nor making choices… It was when I studied in Bremen. I fell in love with a small group of faithful young Christians. We shared our faith, our struggle in this foreign land and our prayers for one other. We shared our food and our lives. We became a family.

Yet I chose to take another path and left the city and the fellowship that had helped me grow in faith. I chose another country, a very attractive and prestigious one to the eye of most people. I found my success, yes. But I am not fulfilled spiritually. Then I moved again, now to a small town in Germany, quite a distance to any other big cities. Here I learn how it feels to be so isolated and deprived from my very spiritual need for a lively fellowship.

So, nearing the end of 2008, my wish for the next year would be to be united again with the fellowship that I had enjoyed before. To grow together again in spirit and in truth… AMEN.

kenapa teman2ku suka majang foto anak2nya di Friendster. Dulu kupikir ngapain segitu banyaknya sampai2 foto mereka sendiri ampir nga ada. Setelah punya Bryan, memang kerasa kl tiap action dia penginnya diabadikan dan ditunjukin ke semua orang… “ini lho, anakku lucu” atau ya untuk menginformasikan kalangan saudara & teman di luar kota atau luar negeri ttg perkembangan si kecil. Sekarang setelah punya anak sendiri, baru bisa ikut merasakan senangnya kl teman punya anak. Krn aku sendiri juga senaaaaannnggg banget punya si Bryan, meski kadang cape juga ngurusin dia. Tp kl sdh liat dia tidur malam, melungker di ranjangnya sambil megang guling dan gigit dot di mulutnya, rasanya cape sehari hilang sudah.

Bryan will be exactly 6 months old in one week. Bathing little Bryan has been a challenge for me since he was 2 months old. As a newborn, he loved his bath in the Tummy Tub, then somehow after he turned two months old, he got upset when we bathed him in the tub. Then we tried washing him in our bathroom sink. We did it only a few times because the sink was too small to get him really washed thoroughly, plus I was nervous that his head would hit the sides of the sink. I thought about buying a baby bathtub, but I felt it won´t last very long plus I find it tedious to use.

Finally today we dared to bathe him in our bath tub. After filling the tub with warm water, I went in first, then my husband handed over Bryan who then sat on my lap. At first he was kind of hesitant and uptight. But soon he began to relax and kick his little feet happily in the water and played with his bath thermometer and the little plastic container that I used to pour water on his little body. I think we found a new fun way to spend time together. Just need to get some more bath toys to keep him distracted.

If there´s anything like disobeying what baby experts say in their best seller books what parents should do (e.g. Gina Ford, Marc Weissbluth) , then it would be me and Bryan. With almost 4 months, B (nickname for Bryan) is still not sleeping through and unassisted, his drinking and sleeping times not on-schedule (he does what he wants) and is quite attached to us… wants to be craddled most of the time, falls asleep in our arms and then we transfer him (with lots of care and in slow motion) into his cot. If we are lucky, he will stay asleep. Often (esp. during naps) he wakes up again and whimpers as if complaining to be held again. 

The nights are long, B wants his bottle at around 23:00 and 4:00. Often he cries around 2:00 and 5:00 looking for his pacifier. At 5:30 he begins to get restless as if wanting to wake up and sleep at the same time. Why not try sleep training? We did… the sort where you let the baby cry himself to sleep. Doesn`t quite work for B. He ends up coughing and throwing up his digested milk ("posetting"). 

A perfect by-the-book baby may already sleep through the night at 3 weeks of age, breastfeed calmly and diligently, does not fuss or get grumpy, does not get colicky, naps regularly on schedule, plays contently by himself while mommy does her chores or takes a nap, goes to sleep unassisted (just put him in his cot´, say good night and he´ll snooze immediately), etc.  Well, my B is not like that. I gave up (for now) trying too much to put him on-schedule so that our days become predictable and more organized. Sometimes reading too much baby books makes me more confused than enlighthened at the end. I´ll just follow my mother instinct and find a way that work best for us.

Someday, somehow… he will sleep through the night´, be less fussy, eat solid food, etc.  Just hope till then I´m still sane:)

1 Corinthians 2:9 (NKJV)

But as it is written: "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Big events in the past months of my life :

-         Moving from Ennetbaden, Switzerland to Höxter, Germany (end of Nov 2007)

-         Giving birth to my first baby boy (16.12.2007)

-         two weeks later re-admitted to the hospital for a broken ovarial cyst operation (mid January 2008)

-         writing and publishing 3 scientific papers (Aug 2007-Feb 2008)

-         writing up PhD thesis Dec 2007-Feb 2008 (thank God my mother was with us for 2 months to take care of Bryan when I was writing)

-         Driving alone 14 hours back and forth Höxter-Zürich to attend my PhD exam (partly under snowy and rainy weather)

-         After almost 3 years and 3 months, I passed my PhD exam on 18.03.2008

-         Now a fulltime mother, waking up 3-5 times between 23:00-07:00 to tend to baby Bryan; training hard my muscles and back bone by lifting him so often.

I could boast that these are MY accomplishment, yet I will not. For I know, without God´s blessing and grace, I would not have been able to go through and complete any of them (especially since I never planned to do a PhD!).  Again God has proven the faithfullness of His Words.

February 19th…

        Bryan is almost 9-weeks old now… he´s much more alert now, loves to look at people´s faces, loves being talked to, loves being carried around and cuddled. He starts to build up his baby speeches (so cute!). He´s not yet sleeping through the night though. Thus waking up his grandma and mother so often during the night for some cuddling, milk, diaper changing, when he has stomachache, or when he had a bad dream.

          My mom is almost a month here in Germany… this cold and lonely place here in the small city of Höxter, where no Indonesian people other than us are to be found. No lively Indonesian Christian fellowship. Quite the opposite of what her life in Indonesia is… hot, humid, meeting lots of people everyday… always on the move in the house, in the family store and at church activities.

          I finished writing my dissertation. Am waiting for the printing office to send me the copies. Then I must mail them soon to my examinators and the university by the end of this month. The exam date at ETH Zurich is closing in… March 18 it is.

… that´s how old Bryan is now. He is much more alert now during the day AND night. He can already smile, laugh, coo and some other baby words which are so cute to listen to. He loves watching people´s faces. He can follow interesting objects (e.g. a colorful wooden bracelet) moved within 180° of his view range (from left to right). 

One thing that´s not so nice: lately he gets restless when he´s drinking his milk. Thus his feeding time takes much longer now than 2-3 weeks ago. He also wants to be held in our arms more often now. As soon as we put him in his cot, he wakes up again with his round eyes looking at us as if he´s saying "why did you put me down? It´s so nice to be cuddled". So when he cries (sometimes we waited for a moment, hoping that he could settle himself), we cannot help but picking him up. Sometimes we worry that we might spoil him by doing so, but then again… this will not be forever. Someday he will go to sleep by himself and hopefully sleep longer during the night, so mommy & daddy can also get their decent rest.

A lot has happened during the last 10 days in my life. I gave birth to our first son on 16.12.2007. I arrived at the hospital at 04:00 in the morning, and he came out at 08:30. I was lucky to have a relatively easy pregnancy and labor. Unfortunately the complications came after the birth. Bryan, our baby, had to be treated with antibiotics for 5 days due to an infection he got from drinking bad amniotic water. Afterwards I had a fever so I also had to take antibiotics three times a day and some other medications to ensure everything was OK in there. Luckily the medications still allowed me to breastfeed him. In total, we stayed in the hospital 12 days, including Christmas. It was not that bad. Since Chester had to work day and evening hours during Christmas. So the three of us had our first Christmas in the hospital.

Now I´m back home since Thursday afternoon. Chester took days off from work so I have company when Bryan cries in the night and we have to change his diapers and feed him. It is also a great help during the day to have a second person so that I can have my meal or take a bath without worrying when the baby cries unattended.

Our life has changed a lot… our little baby kept us very busy, but also very happy (must be that angelical face). Before giving birth myself, I was a bit skeptical towards women who chose to deliver their baby through operation (Kaiserschnitt). After going through a normal delivery myself, I really can understand them better. Every woman should be free to decide for herself how she wants to deliver her baby. It should also be no judgement whether a mother wants to breastfeed her baby, give her the instant milk in the bottle or a combination of both. Every delivery and baby is unique. What works for one woman, may not work for the other. There were times in the hospital when I had to learn it the hard way (never had I cried so many tears in my whole life in such a short period)… but I´m much more content now and with every passing day, I hope to become a more confident mommy. Hope God blesses the three of us with good health, endurance, abundant love, unity and wisdom to raise our little Bryan.

It´s been almost two weeks now since I moved to Germany. I´m officially on maternity leave until end of March, but technically I should still work on finishing up my dissertation. Before I used to meet my co-workers every day, sit at my working desk, have work time, lunch time, and evening time. Basically routine stuff for employed people. Now I´m very slowly adapting to the schedule of a housewife. I´m most of the time alone during the day which makes me feel lonely at times especially in this small town. It may seem like there is not much to do as a housewife. Yet the little things like cleaning, cooking, tiding up consume a lot of my time (maybe I´m just not an effective hosewife - yet). I´m irritated how short the days are and at the end of the day I felt like I´ve done nothing useful. I´ve let myself be so occupied with house chores that I neglect my paper and dissertation. Yet time is running out for me. When the baby comes, it would be even more difficult to find the time and focus my mind on the last phases of my dissertation. Oh well… hopefully I start soon with disciplining myself and just learn to close my eyes when the house chores attract my attention.

It’s the last day of October today, and it’s presenting itself at its best, as if wanting to say „See how beautiful I can be. See you next year!“. The sky is blue and sunny unlike the past days that were foggy and wet. Soft breeze is blowing. Not too cold, not too warm. Just perfect! From my office window, I can see two trees in their late autumn dress. The leaves are rich in yellow color, and the branches black. The inclined sunlight accentuates them in contrast with the blue sky at the background. As the wind blows softly, the yellow leaves fall gently to the ground. Suddenly I’m reminded that this would be my last „goldener Oktober“ in Switzerland. Yes, my time here is coming to an end. By this time next year, I would most likely be somewhere in Germany with my husband and our first child. Facing yet another of life’s adventures fully unknown to us at this moment.